Friday, November 9, 2012

After the Storm

Hello dear readers,

Maybe some of you wondering where I have been all this time, and I know some of you realize where I am, and some maybe just don't care. But I do owe all of you a blog post. Since it's my personal blog, and technically has been my second home in the blogosphere, where I connect to my whole dear "second" family.  Ironically, lots of whom I haven't actually met, but connected in heart and mind no less than those real physical being family and friends. It's really hard for me to come back here, I haven't the courage nor the strength to face it, maybe, I don't know. Even as I'm typing right now, I am still trembling, word by word.

As you already know, I was pregnant with a boy, hence our little virtual baby shower party. :) It's a little bittersweet for me to see the printables and my happy rantings still up on my blog, because I lost the baby.

Baby Glenn was born on July 20th, 2012, nearly at midnight. I had waited in the operation table to hear congratulatory remarks from the doctors, nurses, and midwives. "Congratulations, it's a boy!" and my baby's first cry to fill the room. And to see him brought up to my chest to cuddle. But no. There was nothing. The already cold operation room grew a lot colder. It felt like the longest thing in my whole life. No baby's cry.

37 days later after he was born, Baby Glenn died peacefully. During those time in the NICU, he had not once regain his consciousness. I couldn't remember the medical words the doctors mumbling to me, but I did remember one of them saying, I gave birth to a "vegetable". Another doctor said it's already a miracle he could survive for a week, or two, given the circumstances, he should had been a still-born.

My heart breaks like it has never been. I read, I know some parents who have to endure a child lost, but experiencing it on my own is a hell of roller coaster ride. And to make things worse, child or baby lost is still treated like a taboo for some and a not too big a deal for others. I know some things are worse than this (war, terrorist attack, tsunamis, ...) but some people dare to say it to my grieving face, that, "Oh, you could always make another one." Some people I thought I know well, coming out about their own loss or miscarriage and how it still grief them, shyly, like it was not supposed to be talked about, and only talked about because now I have experienced it as well. I'm Indonesian, well maybe that's how our culture reacts to a tragedy like this.

I tried to pick up my parts piece by piece and trying to move on. Anyway, works and daily life have been catching up to me naturally. Big Sister Giselle, thank God for her, is my main source of power, my Patronus, my anti-kryptonite, my sun. (sorry for the geeky references). She had a really rough time too, losing her highly anticipated brother. I could still remember her innocent prayer every night when I was pregnant, "Dear, God, thank you for a baby brother you had given me, please let him out of mommy's tummy soon" Every night, without fail.

And, thankfully, she knows, oh, how she knows better than me. She teaches a few things about "dancing, singing, and laughing in the rain" rather than curling up crying asking when's the storm's going to leave. Because I realize now, thanks to her, that this pain is not something we get over in time, it will breath with us as long as we live. But whether you want hope to shine upon the darkest place in your heart, or you'll let your whole heart rotten because of it, the choice is up to you. I can be a bitter old lady who hates babies and curses at Santa, or I can be more loving, more generous, more positive in my whole aspects of life. Maybe a little more helpful to the world?

I sincerely thank all of you who's already been there for me too. Thank you for you thoughtful compassion.  
And thank you for not saying these to me : (also, if you have a family or a friend who has lost a child/ baby/ have a still-born or a miscarriage keep in mind not saying this to them)


  • You could always make another one. (well, say that to a parent who lost a 20 year old son) 
  • You're lucky he died now, you'll grief more if he was already a 5 year old. (do you double your affection with your child's age? do you love the 10 year old sister much much more than your 5 year old? and you love your 1 month old baby the least?)
  • You should have been closer to God and serve Him more. (not only this remark do nothing to my grief, it's also added guilt to my already catastrophic emotion, also you never knew if the grieving person is religious or not, if you're not sure stick your "God" or "angels" talk to yourself)
  • ..oh.., yes, yes, it was sad. But did you know that I was... *telling her own not-to-related problems* (I'm not saying that her problems were of less more important than mine, but please pick your timing when you want to share your own problem to a grieving friend) 
  • MY! Aren't you a little fatter this time? (no, I'm not joking, I'm actually told this on Glenn's funeral. Maybe, she just lost for words, maybe she doesn't know what to say to a grieving person- believe me it's hard- I don't even know what to say to my husband. But the old politeness rule is true, "If you can't think of anything resourceful/nice to say, don't say anything at all.") 


Well, now, I have used nearly a full box of tissue writing this. I am now ready to declare that I'm back at the blog. Have a nice day and thank you for reading!

43 comments:

  1. i dont know what to say, but glad you come back :")
    i want to make a fan art, may i?

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  2. I am moved beyond expression, your ability to share this tragic loss. It is imaginable and yet through your pain you have expressed yourself in such a manner that I am reminded once again we are all connected. I know not what you are going through but am glad that for whatever reason I happened upon this blog post. At any given moment I can feel as if my problems are monumental and then by chance my heart is opened with compassion for those who truly are hurting and perspective is given. Be patient with yourself and surround yourself with those who allow you to grieve in your own time. May the spirit of your son shine down upon you always and be the light in which you spend the rest of your days being guided by.

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  3. I'm so sorry. So, so sorry for your loss.

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  4. I'm so sorry. Please know you & your family are in my prayers.

    My husband said that first line to me after my own loss. I credited his sincerity despite the words used. Years later he realized what he had said, and apologized. I hope the insensitive people who said these things to you will eventually realize their errors.

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  5. I've been reading your blog for some time, but have never commented before. I'm so sorry for your loss. I've been there, too, and I understand everything you've said about how hard it is to grieve when others have such a mixed understanding of what this loss means. Sending you healing energy.

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  6. hello ... im from indonesia, i always pray for american people who hurt cause sandy storm, may you always God loves and blessing always, amen ...

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  7. I am deeply saddened for you and your loss. I can only imagine how you feel. Know that your family is in my prayers.

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  8. I'm so sorry for your lost. My heart is with you and your family.

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  9. Hello! I follow your blog daily and i really enjoy it. I don't have any words to say how much i am sorry... And i'm not going to say "i imagine how you are feeling..." because i don't. I'am also a mother and the only thing i can tell you is to get the most of your baby girl and think that time will heal everything! We are all supporting you!

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  10. I wish you and your family a lot of strenght in these extremely difficult times. I am so sorry for your loss.

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  11. oh my goodness- I cannot believe the things that were said to you! My heart aches for you. I'm so sorry for your loss- and you have every right to grieve. Glenn is your son and he is a part of you-and should always be. You are correct- there is no difference in level of 10 years of love or 10 days. Sending you love.

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  12. I am sorry for the insensitive comments. There are no words to console the loss of a child. What I like to think is that there is another angel in heaven. A beautiful child in the presence of God and everything that is good. Blessings to you and your family.

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  13. I am sorry for your loss,
    sending you A BIG and Warm HUGS

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  14. People say all sorts of stupid things in this kind of situations, they don't know how to react or they are lost for words... just as I am now. My thoughts are with you and your family. Big hugs. Anna

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  15. Thank you for the courage to share your story. I'm so sorry for your loss and I hope you and your family continue to heal.

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  16. My heart is breaking for you. Thank you for sharing your story, despite the pain that it must have cost you.

    Grieving the loss of a baby is different in that you are not grieving your past, but you are grieving your future together. I am so sorry for your loss.

    "Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me." - Psalm 23:4

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  17. I have never commented, I just print out your lovely paper dolls and enjoy them with my daughter. I just wanted to say that you are in my thoughts and prayers. I am sorry for your loss and I pray that time heals and strengthens you. <3

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  18. Sending love and good vibes your way! I remember when I first followed your blog a long time ago. I appreciate this post and update, and will keep you in my prayers.

    Take care,
    Belen

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  19. So sorry for your loss. People who say "You can always have another one" or make remarks about your spirituality are clueless wonders. Please give yourself plenty of time to grieve. It will be your timetable and no one else's. This spring, plant a tree in your son's memory. If a butterfly hovers around you or lights on your shoulder, your son's spirit is around you.

    Lin

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  20. Oh dear dear dear! I'm at a loss for words, they don't express my feelings adequately in this type of situation. I'm amazed by the insensitiveness of some people, I know for sure people come up with gross remarks sometimes...sure they'd better just shut up! I wish I could do something, I can only send my friendly hugs from here. Please keep posting, keep being that good person you are and want to keep being in spite of life's atrocity. I'd also like to mention a blog I've visited (Kami's blog : http://www.nobiggie.net/). Kami is such a sweet and brave lady like you,I've grown fond of her beautiful character. She is a little further down the same terrible path, she fights the same battle, trying to stay on the positive side, and she does it, through tears and despair, she really does it. I modestly think her little baby's story (Afton is her name) has strong echoes of yours, and that getting to know her could bring you comfort (tears, I'm sure, but support too). And...the hell with taboo things, what matters is to support each other, we human beings, with our hopes and grief! XOXO

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  21. I am really sorry for your loss.So courageous of you to share with your grief.Not everyone can do that.

    Lusine

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  22. I am so sorry!!! Thank you very much for sharing your story. I feel that miscarriage and infant loss is such a taboo topic. When I went through it I searched for information and there was nothing. When I shared with others, suddenly all of these people I know and love came out and said, "I've been there too." It was such a relief to know I was not alone.

    Peace and love to you and your family!

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  23. I'm just heartbroken for you. I'm so, so sorry for your whole family. I pray that your memories with your little guy, though short, will bring you some measure of peace in the days ahead.

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  24. My heart breaks for you and your family.There are no words for what you are going through right now.I hope that in the days,weeks,months and even years ahead,that you may find something that will offer you peace.It's important to remember to connect with those that love you and want to support you through this time.
    My thoughts are with you and yours.

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  25. I am so so sorry. And so sorry for any unkind things that you have had to hear.

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  26. I wish you and your family strength to get through the darker days, may you find peace, So sorry for your loss.

    This link is to a lovely family blog. The mother has written a post on finding help and support following the death of her own son at 11 days. I hope that I haven't caused offence by posting it. http://www.patchofpuddles.co.uk/neonatal-loss

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  27. your article is nice, very happy to stay and read in here. thanks for sharing :)

    www.unikgaul.com

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  28. I think you are very brave, speaking out like this at such a sad time, Baby Glenn was obviously too good for this world and what saddens me is that despite this being a time of grief and heartbreak, people whether inadvertantly or not, add to your pain. No child can be replaced and for the rest of your life you will be thinking about him and tracing the steps he would be taking x However, to have such a wonderful daughter is of some comfort, and thank you for sharing a part of yourself on here helping to break those taboos and sending you hugs x Leigh x

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  29. I am so sorry to hear of your loss. To be so filled with hope and love waiting for your miracle and then have it tragically taken away is not something I can even fathom. I am sitting here crying as I read your words. People say inappropriate things when they are feel awkward and are unsure what to say and of course it has NOTHING to do with your closeness to God. The comments of you can make another are insensitive and people just come out with them because they cannot put themselves in your shoes. Making another baby will not change how you feel today. Glenn was a beautiful angel that sadly only got to stay with you for a little while. Feel blessed for the time that you had with him and grieve - grieve as much as you need. Sending you all the love and strength I can
    Kylie x

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  30. I'm so sorry. You described your grief so clearly. Xxx

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  31. Oh, I am so sorry about your little baby boy,Glenn! Thank you for sharing your feelings and the list of things not to say.

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  32. I am deeply sorry for you loss. The pain of losing a child is something that never truly leaves you, but I hope that you will find the brighter moments in your daughter. Good luck with everything. I wish you the best.

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  33. You have given birth to an angel. Losing a child is a tragedy no words can describe. Your story trully moved me and it was beautifully written. My prayers for you and your family.

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  34. What a sad thing to happen to someone! I know you can be with your baby again. The Book of Mormon teaches about how our families can be together forever! It is such a beautiful message, and will bring comfort to you in this time of trial. http://mormon.org/book-of-mormon

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  36. I've been thinking about you so much since I read this. And it looks like I'm not the only one. You are very loved!

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